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Once again I have fallen behind in my projects. My Pop-Culture Collage and Oil Painting are in the works but, it has been 2 and half weeks and now I’m past due to draw another project. Do I just lack the ambition or self motivation to get anything done? Am I really the Queen Of Procrastination? Or am I just distracted by all of the “stuff” going on in my life? Maybe, it’s a little of all of things and maybe it’s also a little of something I have never really thought about before.
Last week I blogged about how I hemmed my pants. It wasn’t a great job but I did it. You would think with a little time and effort and some practice, hemming pants is not really a big deal. But, in my case it was a big deal. No, not because I have some physical ailment that prevents me from doing those kinds of tasks. There wasn’t a doctor from my childhood that said “You know, Christine, you’ll just….you’ll just never be able to sew”.
It was a big deal because I hemmed my pants, which I have never really done before, an hour before Valentine’s Day dinner, in between taking a shower, doing my hair and and trying to iron ( straight on the carpet getting cat hair all over the pants and then spilling a glass of water, stepping in it all while looking for the “cat hair remover thingy”), my boyfriend calling just to ask “How’s it going?” and my snapping back “fine, I gotta go.”
There is a certain level of exceptions we should have for ourselves and I’m starting to understand that mastering the balance to this might just be the key to, I don’t know, “Finding yourself”; I hate using that term because it sounds so cliche and cheesy, like I’m trying to write a self-help book or something.
Never learning how to sew because “I’m not good enough” or ” I don’t have the patience” = Not expecting enough
Forcing myself to learn how to sew, in the above scenario, and being sort of proud, but slightly dissatisfied by the lack of perfection= Expecting too much
After a phone conversation with my boyfriend, in which I felt the need to whine about how much I hate my job and want to go back to school. Which led to pondering all of the “what if’s” that are going on around here: What if art isn’t my “bliss” at all? What if I should do something completely different? He reminded me that I was supposed to be working on this blog and “focusing.” I insisted I can work 40 hours a week, manage my store, work on my blog, do a project weekly, take a class, study, do homework, and take care of the rest of the day-to-day responsibilities, all at the same time. He also then reminded me that there are only so many hours in a day I can physically utilize and that I need a lot more sleep then normal people.
There is too much time spent planning a scheming: Should I look for a new job? Should I go back to school? What classes should I take? Do I want to paint today? Do I not want to paint at all? What do I want? What do I need? After clearing my head a bit (aka: lying on my bed starring at the ceiling and crying) I realized I don’t know what I want because I set these obscure, unobtainable goals for myself (example of expecting too much from myself) . And then other times I just throw my hands up and am like “screw it, I’ll just make coffee”(example of not expecting enough from myself).
So, where is the middle ground? I suppose it starts with attitude. I can find ways to learn to like my job. That can start with being a little stricter with my sleeping habits; if ya have to work at 4 in the morning, you have to work at 4 in the morning so go to bed way before 10pm! I can think about things I do like about my job and focus on those things. I suppose this could lead to not worrying, at least for the time being, about finding something new and just continuing to work on my art. And maybe if I make an organized plan as how I’m going to get these projects done, I’ll actually get them done and figure myself out. It feels so unsettling though. But, maybe that is a feeling one just has to get used to. Because, really, when is life really ever “settling.”
Maybe, were supposed to feel unsettled.
On another note, I was catching up on the Good Mood Blog, by Brigitte Dale, and she did a post about a beach she hangs out at when she wants to “think.” I would like to have a “thinking place”. Here’s the post: A Beach Day Photoblog.
So my goal this weekend:
1) Make a list of things I like about my job.
2) Finish the oil painting
3) Pick next weeks project
Next week
1) Complete next project
2) Find “thinking place”
Yes I’m aware I’m setting myself behind a week. But, hey we can’t be so hard on ourselves and maybe when I gain some momentum, and I’m feeling saucy, I’ll do two projects in one week 😉
Now, those are my goals, and I’m sticking to them. There will be no job searching, no whining, no plotting my distant future, no apartment hunting, no web surfing, no excuses.
Anyway, all this pondering led to surfing, the last of that until the end of next week, and I came across good ol’ Ziglar and this video, which I found amusing.
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